For over a year now, I’ve been supporting Affected Others at YZUP. It's been a huge learning experience working in a specialised area of support for children and young people. It’s something I’m really passionate about, and affects so many people's lives.
‘1 in 10 of us, 5 million people, are struggling with the drug or alcohol use of a loved one’. (Adfam, 2020)
So who is an Affected Other?
An Affected Other is someone who is affected by another person’s drug or alcohol misuse. This could be a parent, or someone else in your home or family. Many people do not realise that they are an affected other until this is explained to them as it’s not something that’s widely talked about.
Many children and young people live in a situation they can’t control if their parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, friend or sibling has an addiction. The impact can continue for a long period of time and, without the right support, affected others can end up feeling lonely, anxious and isolated. They may also feel fear, shame, guilt or anger, causing long term impacts on their lives.
Due to the stigma around addiction, it’s not always something people are comfortable talking about. It’s the elephant in the room, or talked about in code. You know the phrase ‘fell off the wagon’, well this was once overheard by a child who thought that their parents had been physically hurt, causing further anxiety and confusion. It’s important that these children and young people are not left confused but are given appropriate and clear information.
Difficulties faced by Affected Others:
Struggle to concentrate in school.
Have negative beliefs about themselves or others.
Struggle to manage feelings and regulate emotions.
Develop risky strategies to manage stress such as self harm, engage in unsafe behaviours or try substances for themselves.
Have difficulty managing relationships, trusting others, maintaining healthy boundaries, may be more vulnerable to abuse and child exploitation.
Some children also experience a bereavement. This can be a different kind of grief that they may find difficult talking about. There may fear that others won’t understand or have compassion for them due to it being a drug related death. In this case we can link up with Penhaligons friends, who can support bereaved families.
Some find themselves in a caring role at home. In this case we can link up with Kernow Young Carers who can support the young person with information and guidance.
Support from YZUP
When a parent or caregiver has an addiction the child is highly vulnerable - they rely on this person to care for their needs; not just food, water, warmth and shelter but also their emotional needs. The impact can cause trauma (or multiple traumas) and the child can form poor attachments. This isn’t the case for all young people whose parents or loved ones use substances. The difference is when there is an addiction, or a person is struggling to control their use. In these circumstances it starts to affect other people. The adult in question may need support from We Are With You, whether in the community, a detox centre, or a hospital. These situations are confusing and stressful for the children in their lives, especially if the parent goes away for treatment and is separated from the child.
YZUP can offer children and young people an opportunity for clear, honest and appropriate information where they can talk about how they feel in a safe space without judgement. We begin by looking at each child's individual needs and talking this through with young people. We work with them to shape a care plan to suit their needs in a safe, supportive and confidential space. Together we explore practical strategies to help them cope and build resilience.
At YZUP we can spend the time needed so that each young person feels confident understanding the different types of substances, their effects and changes to behaviour. This topic alone can sometimes bring up some painful memories for a child whose caregiver behaves and presents differently when drinking alcohol or using substances.
Working with Affected Others
The most difficult part of my role is knowing that not all Affected Others' home lives will change. I’ve supported many young people with long-term difficulties in the family. Every family is different. Sometimes the home situation can implicate such emotional abuse or neglect that social care has to step in, and there are times when the children are rehomed for their own safety. Children often fear this as the worst case scenario and worry that the consequences may bring great shame or further stress within the family. Many children have experienced such long term stress that they can no longer bear it and wish to escape their situation. It’s important these young people have the right adults to go to for safety.
We have many families who engage with We Are With You family support, they may have a number of relapses or manage complete abstinence - each recovery pathway is different. At We Are With You we know that everyone has their own challenges - it is not an easy path and I believe all who choose to seek support are very brave indeed. Adults in recovery have often told me that they are doing it for their children. Many are also Affected Others themselves and seek support to ‘break the cycle’. Our family programme ‘Animate’ is very popular for both adults and children and has helped many families to talk about their experiences together through the medium of art.
Seeing a family work through these issues is highly rewarding, and is what keeps me doing the work I do, despite the inevitable emotional challenges. I’m really happy I work for We Are With You, as they recognise the importance of self-care. I absolutely love working with children and young people, each day is so different in this role. I feel so very lucky to have an amazingly supportive team at YZUP who consistently provide a great deal of encouragement, listening and support.
How to refer to YZUP
If you are affected by familiar substance misuse, YZUP is here to support you. Sometimes it may feel like you are alone and may feel worried about speaking to anyone. This experience can be overwhelming so we encourage you to reach out to us for support. We hope that from reading this you will call us at YZUP or have someone you trust to call us for you. Our number is 01872 300816, this is the same number whether you’re a young person self-referring, a supportive adult or a professional making the referral.
Written by Stephanie Martin, Affected Other Worker, YZUP
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